I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
