My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm getting married
To pizza
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
