dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
