My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
