I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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