I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
