She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
