the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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