wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Are my feet made of real feet?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
