I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
