I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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