her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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