I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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