when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
