So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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