What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Randomize
