god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
