What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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