so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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