when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
