my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
