I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
