i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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