Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
