my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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