I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If I die, sorry about rent.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
