I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
