You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
