Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
