i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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