and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
