nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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