smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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