i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
try to milk me bitch
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
