i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
