i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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