Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
