i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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