Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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