So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
