I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
