dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
