I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
