so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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