dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I will be naked everywhere
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
