When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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