All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
