I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
