My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
