dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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