god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
