make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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