I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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